Today is going to be an incredibly busy and crazy day--church, walk for diabetes, helping cook chili, a Halloween party. It is sure to be great, but ED is driving me crazy. He's trying to get me to plan my life to a T. I need to eat a ton of meals on the run today, and he is whispering in my ear to restrict in areas that I can control.
Yesterday, I had breakfast with a friend, lunch while babysitting, and dinner with a sweet boy. Could I control any of what I ate? Yes, I could. Did I? Yes, I did. Did I skip a snack accidentally? Yes, I did that, too.
At the end of the night, I was starving. My body was telling me that it needed more food than I gave it, but I didn't listen; I didn't know whether or not it was telling the truth. Often, ED sounds so loud and so convincing that I listen to his voice above my body's. So, I woke up this morning even hungrier than when I went to bed!
So, today is going to be a difficult day to control what I eat and when I eat. I hope that I can listen to my body's desires today and not ED's!
"This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Doubting Thomas
Why do I doubt the goodness of God? Why do I hesitatingly marvel at His gifts and kindness? Why do I look at Him and say, "Thanks for being good, but are you sure you want to give that to me?" Why can't I just open my hands and receive?
I have been blessed with the gift of an amazing friendship recently and instead of resting in what it is, I doubt whether it's actually true. I continue to think that it's not, and that I'm reading more into the relationship than what it is. In this, too, I need to open my hands and receive.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
I have been blessed with the gift of an amazing friendship recently and instead of resting in what it is, I doubt whether it's actually true. I continue to think that it's not, and that I'm reading more into the relationship than what it is. In this, too, I need to open my hands and receive.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Breakfast
Does everyone have this much trouble deciding on what to eat for breakfast? I am always trying to figure out whether I want oatmeal, cereal, pb and j, or something else. Once I decide, I'm fine, but until then I can't figure out what to eat. Too many choices!!
I keep thinking of that verse in Nehemiah that reminds us that the Lord gives us the freedom to eat and drink freely of the things that He gives us. Food is meant for us to enjoy, but why are we given so many choices? The morning would be much easier with just two.
Olive is doing better this morning. I fed her some breakfast she wanted, and she seems much happier. If anyone has any bugs that I can release in my bedroom to give her some pleasure while I am gone, feel free to donate to a worthy cause.
I keep thinking of that verse in Nehemiah that reminds us that the Lord gives us the freedom to eat and drink freely of the things that He gives us. Food is meant for us to enjoy, but why are we given so many choices? The morning would be much easier with just two.
Olive is doing better this morning. I fed her some breakfast she wanted, and she seems much happier. If anyone has any bugs that I can release in my bedroom to give her some pleasure while I am gone, feel free to donate to a worthy cause.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Cat
Poor Olive. The food I'm putting in front of her is not enticing. She's cranky; she's not letting me love on her. I feel so sad for her, and I wish I could make it all go away for her. Unlike humans she can't say what she's feeling, but I wish that she could.
I spend time thinking about people and wondering how to make their lives better. I think about my first graders, my friends, my family. The sad thing is, I don't think as much about Olive as I probably should. She's shut up in a bedroom for a long time each day. Was anyone really created to be smushed in a room all day? I'm not, so I can't imagine that Olive is!
When I think about who God created me to be, should I wonder who Olive was created to be? Is she living life well? Things to ponder. But then again, it's just a cat.
I spend time thinking about people and wondering how to make their lives better. I think about my first graders, my friends, my family. The sad thing is, I don't think as much about Olive as I probably should. She's shut up in a bedroom for a long time each day. Was anyone really created to be smushed in a room all day? I'm not, so I can't imagine that Olive is!
When I think about who God created me to be, should I wonder who Olive was created to be? Is she living life well? Things to ponder. But then again, it's just a cat.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Made to Crave
http://lysaterkeurst.com/
This is the greatest little link for today. Read and be inspired to stay in the journey!
This is the greatest little link for today. Read and be inspired to stay in the journey!
A Brand New Day
I love brand new days. They bring such joy and anticipation of things that might happen. Even when I am exhausted (like this morning), the Lord gives me such joy. Last year, I might not have been able to say that, but He has graciously given me a desire lately to praise Him as soon as I awake (or have had my morning cup of tea).
The fair was wonderful. I can't imagine having gone with a group who's more fun, and this was my first time being with them. After eating teriyaki chicken, tempura veggies, elephant ear, and fried milky way, my body was screaming, "Eat a vegetable without grease!!"
Funny thing was, this morning when I woke up, my body was still screaming, "Eat something without grease!!" Now, I don't eat grease in the morning, but what does ED say? "Grease = fat. Since you had grease last night, you should not need to eat fat this morning with breakfast." What does Anna say? "Wow, ED, that makes sense! I did eat enough fat last night to probably allow my arteries a little break... But, no, I must stick to the food plan. Fats help brain and skin function. Thanks, ED, but I think I'll eat my tablespoon of cashews now."
So, while I want to listen to ED this morning, I'm not going to let him still my joy from the day. I'm going to eat cheese pizza for lunch and steak for dinner, AND I am going to ENJOY IT!
"...For the joy of the Lord is your strength..." (Nehemiah 8:10). Live out loud in the Lord!
The fair was wonderful. I can't imagine having gone with a group who's more fun, and this was my first time being with them. After eating teriyaki chicken, tempura veggies, elephant ear, and fried milky way, my body was screaming, "Eat a vegetable without grease!!"
Funny thing was, this morning when I woke up, my body was still screaming, "Eat something without grease!!" Now, I don't eat grease in the morning, but what does ED say? "Grease = fat. Since you had grease last night, you should not need to eat fat this morning with breakfast." What does Anna say? "Wow, ED, that makes sense! I did eat enough fat last night to probably allow my arteries a little break... But, no, I must stick to the food plan. Fats help brain and skin function. Thanks, ED, but I think I'll eat my tablespoon of cashews now."
So, while I want to listen to ED this morning, I'm not going to let him still my joy from the day. I'm going to eat cheese pizza for lunch and steak for dinner, AND I am going to ENJOY IT!
"...For the joy of the Lord is your strength..." (Nehemiah 8:10). Live out loud in the Lord!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Setting Up
So. I'm off to the fair tonight with a friend. Fair food is not the "safest" thing to eat when you're recovering from an eating disorder. In fact, it can throw you into quite a panic. Just thinking about all of the fried things available--fried Snickers, fried mushrooms, fried butter, corndogs, elephant ears, funnel cakes. This list could continue for a while; at the state fair it's almost a medal of honor to see what new thing you can come up with to fry. So, while I'm not sure what I'll be eating tonight, I do know that I want to be free to share things with my friends if they offer.
So what does Anna do? Old Anna would manipulate the eating plan she's still on to try to figure out how she can eat as little fat throughout the day in preparation for the evening to come. Yes, that might work, but that also might set her up to be extremely hungry at night and gorge on food, and we all know the cycle that could start her on.
Real Anna would rather eat normally throughout the day and still eat what she would like at the fair. While she doesn't usually let herself do this, it might work tonight. It helps to have friends who like to see people enjoy food.
Plan for the day--Eat normally. See what obstacles lie at the fair. Eat what seems desirable at the time. Relish each bite. Enjoy the amazing company, sights, sounds, and smells. Please help me with this, Lord!
So what does Anna do? Old Anna would manipulate the eating plan she's still on to try to figure out how she can eat as little fat throughout the day in preparation for the evening to come. Yes, that might work, but that also might set her up to be extremely hungry at night and gorge on food, and we all know the cycle that could start her on.
Real Anna would rather eat normally throughout the day and still eat what she would like at the fair. While she doesn't usually let herself do this, it might work tonight. It helps to have friends who like to see people enjoy food.
Plan for the day--Eat normally. See what obstacles lie at the fair. Eat what seems desirable at the time. Relish each bite. Enjoy the amazing company, sights, sounds, and smells. Please help me with this, Lord!
Monday, October 18, 2010
And...
With that caramel apple came a note of great encouragement: "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength" (Nehemiah 8:10). Isn't it wonderful to know that our God gives us freedom to enjoy the blessings of the earth?!
Old Habits
So, old habits die hard, right? I found myself measuring my cereal again this morning. While I was living under ED's house rules, I did this to make sure that I restricted enough. While living under my rules, I do this to make sure that I am getting enough. I really need to break away into the freedom that is pouring cereal without a care!
I mean, I felt free enough to eat banana pudding as dessert at a faculty lunch. Why can't I just pour a bowl of cereal and see what happens? Sounds like my next challenge!
I came home to find a caramel apple at my doorstep, and I actually want to eat it. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "You already had a dessert today. You can't have another." Well, that might be the old Anna, but I think I will indeed eat that apple, however poisonous it may be. Have you ever tasted a caramel apple from the fair?! Too good a chance to miss.
I mean, I felt free enough to eat banana pudding as dessert at a faculty lunch. Why can't I just pour a bowl of cereal and see what happens? Sounds like my next challenge!
I came home to find a caramel apple at my doorstep, and I actually want to eat it. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "You already had a dessert today. You can't have another." Well, that might be the old Anna, but I think I will indeed eat that apple, however poisonous it may be. Have you ever tasted a caramel apple from the fair?! Too good a chance to miss.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
As I sit...
Posting on a blog is quite a new thing for me, and while it ruffles me slightly, it doesn't seem to bother Olive at all. She's laying on the floor with her feet in the air snoozing. Ahhh, what a life cats lead. They never seem to be bothered by much.
Sometimes, I wish that I had her stamina, her determination. She knows who she is, and she knows what she wants. She asks for things, and even when she doesn't get them, she's patient.
She has never had to fight with food during her life. I bet she has never thought, "I wonder what happens to me if I eat _____________." I bet she has never had to plan out her eating schedule to the nth degree in order to make herself comfortable. I can even guarantee that she has never had a knock-down, drag-out fight with ED.
What a life!
Sometimes, I wish that I had her stamina, her determination. She knows who she is, and she knows what she wants. She asks for things, and even when she doesn't get them, she's patient.
She has never had to fight with food during her life. I bet she has never thought, "I wonder what happens to me if I eat _____________." I bet she has never had to plan out her eating schedule to the nth degree in order to make herself comfortable. I can even guarantee that she has never had a knock-down, drag-out fight with ED.
What a life!
Welcome
This is a simple story of a girl, her Olive kitty, the evil ED, and the precious Lord Jesus. Yes, they will be mixed together somehow and someway. In this zany world all elements fit. I'm on a journey to discover how these four things belong together, and I hope you will join me on my mission!
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