Although I didn't want to do it, I gave Olive up yesterday. I took her to my dad's office, and she's staying there until we figure out a solution. She has not been doing well with me for the past few months, and as patient as I've been, it has gone far enough. She has not been happy with me being gone so much, and my schedule isn't changing anytime soon. In order for her to have a little more peace, she's in a different situation for a while. She is also up for adoption if anyone wants her!
This is the first relationship I have ever had to end. One tiny step for Olive, one giant leap for Anna Winn.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Taste
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8
So I haven't blogged in quite a while. Sorry to say that I've been utterly busy with so many different things. I haven't had much time to reflect on my eating disorder, and that might not be a good thing. Often, the more that I don't think about it, ED sneaks in to take over in quite subtle ways. I pray that we would all take refuge in the Lord who can deliver us from ED and protect us in the shadow of His wings during this chaotic time of year.
During this season we need to take the time to make sure that we are paying attention to our bodies' little cues. Slow down when it's letting you know that you're tired. Treat yourself well and take care of your needs. When I say this I feel so selfish, but if we don't stop and do something for ourselves (even something tiny like enjoying a piece of chocolate), we can burn out quickly and give ED a foothold.
Stop and smell a flower today and remember to thank the Lord for all the blessings He has given us! "Taste and see that the Lord is good!"
So I haven't blogged in quite a while. Sorry to say that I've been utterly busy with so many different things. I haven't had much time to reflect on my eating disorder, and that might not be a good thing. Often, the more that I don't think about it, ED sneaks in to take over in quite subtle ways. I pray that we would all take refuge in the Lord who can deliver us from ED and protect us in the shadow of His wings during this chaotic time of year.
During this season we need to take the time to make sure that we are paying attention to our bodies' little cues. Slow down when it's letting you know that you're tired. Treat yourself well and take care of your needs. When I say this I feel so selfish, but if we don't stop and do something for ourselves (even something tiny like enjoying a piece of chocolate), we can burn out quickly and give ED a foothold.
Stop and smell a flower today and remember to thank the Lord for all the blessings He has given us! "Taste and see that the Lord is good!"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The Sea Lion
"Once upon a time there lived a sea lion who had lost the sea.
He lived in a country known as the barren lands. High on a plateau far from any coast, it was a place so dry and dusty that it could only be called a desert. A kind of coarse grass grew in patches here and there, and a few trees were scattered across the horizon. But mostly, it was dust. And sometimes wind, which together make one very thirsty. Of course, it must seem strange to you that such a beautiful creature should wind up in a desert at all. He was, mind you, a sea lion. But things like this do happen.
How the sea lion came to the barren lands, no one could remember. It all seemed so very long ago. So long, in fact, it appeared as though he had always been there. Not that he belonged in such an arid place. How could that be? He was, after all, a sea lion. But as you know, once you have lived so long in a certain spot, no matter how odd, you come to think of it as home."
He lived in a country known as the barren lands. High on a plateau far from any coast, it was a place so dry and dusty that it could only be called a desert. A kind of coarse grass grew in patches here and there, and a few trees were scattered across the horizon. But mostly, it was dust. And sometimes wind, which together make one very thirsty. Of course, it must seem strange to you that such a beautiful creature should wind up in a desert at all. He was, mind you, a sea lion. But things like this do happen.
How the sea lion came to the barren lands, no one could remember. It all seemed so very long ago. So long, in fact, it appeared as though he had always been there. Not that he belonged in such an arid place. How could that be? He was, after all, a sea lion. But as you know, once you have lived so long in a certain spot, no matter how odd, you come to think of it as home."
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Here We Go!
Yesterday was such an odd eating day. I ate breakfast and snack like usual, and then I had lunch at a bbq restaurant.
Now, I love love bbq, but I was overwhelmed with the buffet and all of its choices. Lots of starch, lots of fat, lots of yummy food. And then there's always dessert on a buffet. I didn't know whether or not to challenge myself, but when banana pudding calls, there's not much resisting on my part.
Then, I went walking on the dam and really enjoyed myself, but I didn't realize the time and the fact that I needed to eat soon after the walk. I was offered an oatmeal creme pie, which are my absolute favorite Little Debbie cakes. Because I had already eaten dessert, I didn't want to challenge myself. I ate a handful of nuts instead ("safer" food), and it really helped regulate my hunger until dinner.
Dinner was an awesome Zaxby's salad. Mmmmm.
Snack time rolled around again though, and I needed something. My brain knew that I needed yogurt or dairy, but that wasn't available on my drive home. What was? That silly oatmeal creme pie, and I gave in. My thought process was burdening to me, but I ate it anyway, realizing that I could begin again the next day.
Well, here's the next day, and what do I have ahead? Thanksgiving dinner. That's right. An early meal with friends on a great Saturday night. I am going to challenge myself, but I am going to make wise choices for me.
Here are the holidays, and they are difficult to manage with little ole ED. Days of cookies, casseroles, candies, cakes. Batten down the hatches, boys!
Now, I love love bbq, but I was overwhelmed with the buffet and all of its choices. Lots of starch, lots of fat, lots of yummy food. And then there's always dessert on a buffet. I didn't know whether or not to challenge myself, but when banana pudding calls, there's not much resisting on my part.
Then, I went walking on the dam and really enjoyed myself, but I didn't realize the time and the fact that I needed to eat soon after the walk. I was offered an oatmeal creme pie, which are my absolute favorite Little Debbie cakes. Because I had already eaten dessert, I didn't want to challenge myself. I ate a handful of nuts instead ("safer" food), and it really helped regulate my hunger until dinner.
Dinner was an awesome Zaxby's salad. Mmmmm.
Snack time rolled around again though, and I needed something. My brain knew that I needed yogurt or dairy, but that wasn't available on my drive home. What was? That silly oatmeal creme pie, and I gave in. My thought process was burdening to me, but I ate it anyway, realizing that I could begin again the next day.
Well, here's the next day, and what do I have ahead? Thanksgiving dinner. That's right. An early meal with friends on a great Saturday night. I am going to challenge myself, but I am going to make wise choices for me.
Here are the holidays, and they are difficult to manage with little ole ED. Days of cookies, casseroles, candies, cakes. Batten down the hatches, boys!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Crash Landing
Olive has taken to jumping from my bed to my desk. Now this probably wouldn't be that much of a problem, but because my desk is covered with heavy plastic, she is doomed. She goes crashing into the wall every time, and it cracks me up!!
She also has decided to wear my shower curtain every time I am in the bathroom putting on makeup and beginning my day. I don't know what's up with her!
So, I didn't realize how much mental energy it takes to overcome an eating disorder, and I'm just mainly thinking about the food plan! Yes, after almost a year of recovery, I am still adhering to my eating plan. It is just a guideline, but it helps tremendously to know how to pattern my eating. I don't feel that it is enslaving me, rather I need it to continue to be healthy. How do "normal" people eat? They don't have eating plans. I can't imagine yet how that would look.
She also has decided to wear my shower curtain every time I am in the bathroom putting on makeup and beginning my day. I don't know what's up with her!
So, I didn't realize how much mental energy it takes to overcome an eating disorder, and I'm just mainly thinking about the food plan! Yes, after almost a year of recovery, I am still adhering to my eating plan. It is just a guideline, but it helps tremendously to know how to pattern my eating. I don't feel that it is enslaving me, rather I need it to continue to be healthy. How do "normal" people eat? They don't have eating plans. I can't imagine yet how that would look.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Blast from the Past
So, while in the salon the other day getting my hair cut, I heard a dear voice in the chair behind me. Oh, how that voice made me so excited. It was one of comfort to me last year, and to hear it again did not bring bad memories but hope and energy.
It was a dear intern from Renfrew who guided me through a lot of healing. Never did she reprimand me for crying or for being aggravated with her. She showed me such patience and love and yet stretched and poked me to grow. She really was the arms of Jesus to me during that time.
She asked me how I was doing, and I could honestly say that things were going well. How thankful to my Lord for allowing things to go well for me. Without this intern's help last year, I'm not sure where I'd be. However, I do know that I would be exactly held and loved by God in the midst of it all.
It was a dear intern from Renfrew who guided me through a lot of healing. Never did she reprimand me for crying or for being aggravated with her. She showed me such patience and love and yet stretched and poked me to grow. She really was the arms of Jesus to me during that time.
She asked me how I was doing, and I could honestly say that things were going well. How thankful to my Lord for allowing things to go well for me. Without this intern's help last year, I'm not sure where I'd be. However, I do know that I would be exactly held and loved by God in the midst of it all.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Next Step...
As I sat in the kitchen the other day, I watched Olive come leaping from the next room. She dove head-first into my plants that sit beside my window. She obviously didn't consider that it might hurt to jump; she just flew!
I don't remember the last time I flew into a decision like that. Sometimes, I wish that I could just throw caution to the wind and know that I would be okay.
Do any of you have trouble just taking that next step? Whether it's a complete leap into the unknown or a mere toe-dip, it's a scary thing. I just sometimes want to stop at the thresh hold and stay where I am, comfortable and at-ease. I have a feeling that God wants more for us. What would trusting Him be if we knew what the outcome would look like?
I don't remember the last time I flew into a decision like that. Sometimes, I wish that I could just throw caution to the wind and know that I would be okay.
Do any of you have trouble just taking that next step? Whether it's a complete leap into the unknown or a mere toe-dip, it's a scary thing. I just sometimes want to stop at the thresh hold and stay where I am, comfortable and at-ease. I have a feeling that God wants more for us. What would trusting Him be if we knew what the outcome would look like?
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Mustard
I know that this blog is not very big and is not very interesting, I hope to plant a small mustard seed in the hearts of those that read it. Please remember to pass along a mustard seed of hope and truth in someone's life today. It only takes a small start for someone to be encouraged in their journey and struggles with ED and the Lord. How wonderful He is!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Good
"The Lord's been good to me, and so I thank the Lord, for giving me the things I need, the sun and rain and the apple seed. Yes, he's been good to me" (Johnny Appleseed, Disney's Melody Time). This song reminds me that everything I need, the Lord gives to me. He knows what I need before I can even utter a word. While this isn't a long posting, it is what is on my heart. What a great and loving Father we have!
I John 3:1--"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are." Hold fast to the knowledge that we are children of a faithful God who will never leave or forsake us. Even when ED is strong and loud, know that the Lord is fighting harder and louder for you.
I John 3:1--"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are." Hold fast to the knowledge that we are children of a faithful God who will never leave or forsake us. Even when ED is strong and loud, know that the Lord is fighting harder and louder for you.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, Glorious Sunday
Today is going to be an incredibly busy and crazy day--church, walk for diabetes, helping cook chili, a Halloween party. It is sure to be great, but ED is driving me crazy. He's trying to get me to plan my life to a T. I need to eat a ton of meals on the run today, and he is whispering in my ear to restrict in areas that I can control.
Yesterday, I had breakfast with a friend, lunch while babysitting, and dinner with a sweet boy. Could I control any of what I ate? Yes, I could. Did I? Yes, I did. Did I skip a snack accidentally? Yes, I did that, too.
At the end of the night, I was starving. My body was telling me that it needed more food than I gave it, but I didn't listen; I didn't know whether or not it was telling the truth. Often, ED sounds so loud and so convincing that I listen to his voice above my body's. So, I woke up this morning even hungrier than when I went to bed!
So, today is going to be a difficult day to control what I eat and when I eat. I hope that I can listen to my body's desires today and not ED's!
"This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24
Yesterday, I had breakfast with a friend, lunch while babysitting, and dinner with a sweet boy. Could I control any of what I ate? Yes, I could. Did I? Yes, I did. Did I skip a snack accidentally? Yes, I did that, too.
At the end of the night, I was starving. My body was telling me that it needed more food than I gave it, but I didn't listen; I didn't know whether or not it was telling the truth. Often, ED sounds so loud and so convincing that I listen to his voice above my body's. So, I woke up this morning even hungrier than when I went to bed!
So, today is going to be a difficult day to control what I eat and when I eat. I hope that I can listen to my body's desires today and not ED's!
"This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Doubting Thomas
Why do I doubt the goodness of God? Why do I hesitatingly marvel at His gifts and kindness? Why do I look at Him and say, "Thanks for being good, but are you sure you want to give that to me?" Why can't I just open my hands and receive?
I have been blessed with the gift of an amazing friendship recently and instead of resting in what it is, I doubt whether it's actually true. I continue to think that it's not, and that I'm reading more into the relationship than what it is. In this, too, I need to open my hands and receive.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
I have been blessed with the gift of an amazing friendship recently and instead of resting in what it is, I doubt whether it's actually true. I continue to think that it's not, and that I'm reading more into the relationship than what it is. In this, too, I need to open my hands and receive.
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Breakfast
Does everyone have this much trouble deciding on what to eat for breakfast? I am always trying to figure out whether I want oatmeal, cereal, pb and j, or something else. Once I decide, I'm fine, but until then I can't figure out what to eat. Too many choices!!
I keep thinking of that verse in Nehemiah that reminds us that the Lord gives us the freedom to eat and drink freely of the things that He gives us. Food is meant for us to enjoy, but why are we given so many choices? The morning would be much easier with just two.
Olive is doing better this morning. I fed her some breakfast she wanted, and she seems much happier. If anyone has any bugs that I can release in my bedroom to give her some pleasure while I am gone, feel free to donate to a worthy cause.
I keep thinking of that verse in Nehemiah that reminds us that the Lord gives us the freedom to eat and drink freely of the things that He gives us. Food is meant for us to enjoy, but why are we given so many choices? The morning would be much easier with just two.
Olive is doing better this morning. I fed her some breakfast she wanted, and she seems much happier. If anyone has any bugs that I can release in my bedroom to give her some pleasure while I am gone, feel free to donate to a worthy cause.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Cat
Poor Olive. The food I'm putting in front of her is not enticing. She's cranky; she's not letting me love on her. I feel so sad for her, and I wish I could make it all go away for her. Unlike humans she can't say what she's feeling, but I wish that she could.
I spend time thinking about people and wondering how to make their lives better. I think about my first graders, my friends, my family. The sad thing is, I don't think as much about Olive as I probably should. She's shut up in a bedroom for a long time each day. Was anyone really created to be smushed in a room all day? I'm not, so I can't imagine that Olive is!
When I think about who God created me to be, should I wonder who Olive was created to be? Is she living life well? Things to ponder. But then again, it's just a cat.
I spend time thinking about people and wondering how to make their lives better. I think about my first graders, my friends, my family. The sad thing is, I don't think as much about Olive as I probably should. She's shut up in a bedroom for a long time each day. Was anyone really created to be smushed in a room all day? I'm not, so I can't imagine that Olive is!
When I think about who God created me to be, should I wonder who Olive was created to be? Is she living life well? Things to ponder. But then again, it's just a cat.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Made to Crave
http://lysaterkeurst.com/
This is the greatest little link for today. Read and be inspired to stay in the journey!
This is the greatest little link for today. Read and be inspired to stay in the journey!
A Brand New Day
I love brand new days. They bring such joy and anticipation of things that might happen. Even when I am exhausted (like this morning), the Lord gives me such joy. Last year, I might not have been able to say that, but He has graciously given me a desire lately to praise Him as soon as I awake (or have had my morning cup of tea).
The fair was wonderful. I can't imagine having gone with a group who's more fun, and this was my first time being with them. After eating teriyaki chicken, tempura veggies, elephant ear, and fried milky way, my body was screaming, "Eat a vegetable without grease!!"
Funny thing was, this morning when I woke up, my body was still screaming, "Eat something without grease!!" Now, I don't eat grease in the morning, but what does ED say? "Grease = fat. Since you had grease last night, you should not need to eat fat this morning with breakfast." What does Anna say? "Wow, ED, that makes sense! I did eat enough fat last night to probably allow my arteries a little break... But, no, I must stick to the food plan. Fats help brain and skin function. Thanks, ED, but I think I'll eat my tablespoon of cashews now."
So, while I want to listen to ED this morning, I'm not going to let him still my joy from the day. I'm going to eat cheese pizza for lunch and steak for dinner, AND I am going to ENJOY IT!
"...For the joy of the Lord is your strength..." (Nehemiah 8:10). Live out loud in the Lord!
The fair was wonderful. I can't imagine having gone with a group who's more fun, and this was my first time being with them. After eating teriyaki chicken, tempura veggies, elephant ear, and fried milky way, my body was screaming, "Eat a vegetable without grease!!"
Funny thing was, this morning when I woke up, my body was still screaming, "Eat something without grease!!" Now, I don't eat grease in the morning, but what does ED say? "Grease = fat. Since you had grease last night, you should not need to eat fat this morning with breakfast." What does Anna say? "Wow, ED, that makes sense! I did eat enough fat last night to probably allow my arteries a little break... But, no, I must stick to the food plan. Fats help brain and skin function. Thanks, ED, but I think I'll eat my tablespoon of cashews now."
So, while I want to listen to ED this morning, I'm not going to let him still my joy from the day. I'm going to eat cheese pizza for lunch and steak for dinner, AND I am going to ENJOY IT!
"...For the joy of the Lord is your strength..." (Nehemiah 8:10). Live out loud in the Lord!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Setting Up
So. I'm off to the fair tonight with a friend. Fair food is not the "safest" thing to eat when you're recovering from an eating disorder. In fact, it can throw you into quite a panic. Just thinking about all of the fried things available--fried Snickers, fried mushrooms, fried butter, corndogs, elephant ears, funnel cakes. This list could continue for a while; at the state fair it's almost a medal of honor to see what new thing you can come up with to fry. So, while I'm not sure what I'll be eating tonight, I do know that I want to be free to share things with my friends if they offer.
So what does Anna do? Old Anna would manipulate the eating plan she's still on to try to figure out how she can eat as little fat throughout the day in preparation for the evening to come. Yes, that might work, but that also might set her up to be extremely hungry at night and gorge on food, and we all know the cycle that could start her on.
Real Anna would rather eat normally throughout the day and still eat what she would like at the fair. While she doesn't usually let herself do this, it might work tonight. It helps to have friends who like to see people enjoy food.
Plan for the day--Eat normally. See what obstacles lie at the fair. Eat what seems desirable at the time. Relish each bite. Enjoy the amazing company, sights, sounds, and smells. Please help me with this, Lord!
So what does Anna do? Old Anna would manipulate the eating plan she's still on to try to figure out how she can eat as little fat throughout the day in preparation for the evening to come. Yes, that might work, but that also might set her up to be extremely hungry at night and gorge on food, and we all know the cycle that could start her on.
Real Anna would rather eat normally throughout the day and still eat what she would like at the fair. While she doesn't usually let herself do this, it might work tonight. It helps to have friends who like to see people enjoy food.
Plan for the day--Eat normally. See what obstacles lie at the fair. Eat what seems desirable at the time. Relish each bite. Enjoy the amazing company, sights, sounds, and smells. Please help me with this, Lord!
Monday, October 18, 2010
And...
With that caramel apple came a note of great encouragement: "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength" (Nehemiah 8:10). Isn't it wonderful to know that our God gives us freedom to enjoy the blessings of the earth?!
Old Habits
So, old habits die hard, right? I found myself measuring my cereal again this morning. While I was living under ED's house rules, I did this to make sure that I restricted enough. While living under my rules, I do this to make sure that I am getting enough. I really need to break away into the freedom that is pouring cereal without a care!
I mean, I felt free enough to eat banana pudding as dessert at a faculty lunch. Why can't I just pour a bowl of cereal and see what happens? Sounds like my next challenge!
I came home to find a caramel apple at my doorstep, and I actually want to eat it. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "You already had a dessert today. You can't have another." Well, that might be the old Anna, but I think I will indeed eat that apple, however poisonous it may be. Have you ever tasted a caramel apple from the fair?! Too good a chance to miss.
I mean, I felt free enough to eat banana pudding as dessert at a faculty lunch. Why can't I just pour a bowl of cereal and see what happens? Sounds like my next challenge!
I came home to find a caramel apple at my doorstep, and I actually want to eat it. Yes, I know what you're thinking, "You already had a dessert today. You can't have another." Well, that might be the old Anna, but I think I will indeed eat that apple, however poisonous it may be. Have you ever tasted a caramel apple from the fair?! Too good a chance to miss.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
As I sit...
Posting on a blog is quite a new thing for me, and while it ruffles me slightly, it doesn't seem to bother Olive at all. She's laying on the floor with her feet in the air snoozing. Ahhh, what a life cats lead. They never seem to be bothered by much.
Sometimes, I wish that I had her stamina, her determination. She knows who she is, and she knows what she wants. She asks for things, and even when she doesn't get them, she's patient.
She has never had to fight with food during her life. I bet she has never thought, "I wonder what happens to me if I eat _____________." I bet she has never had to plan out her eating schedule to the nth degree in order to make herself comfortable. I can even guarantee that she has never had a knock-down, drag-out fight with ED.
What a life!
Sometimes, I wish that I had her stamina, her determination. She knows who she is, and she knows what she wants. She asks for things, and even when she doesn't get them, she's patient.
She has never had to fight with food during her life. I bet she has never thought, "I wonder what happens to me if I eat _____________." I bet she has never had to plan out her eating schedule to the nth degree in order to make herself comfortable. I can even guarantee that she has never had a knock-down, drag-out fight with ED.
What a life!
Welcome
This is a simple story of a girl, her Olive kitty, the evil ED, and the precious Lord Jesus. Yes, they will be mixed together somehow and someway. In this zany world all elements fit. I'm on a journey to discover how these four things belong together, and I hope you will join me on my mission!
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